diff --git a/cli/src/args.rs b/cli/src/args.rs
index fea4f4344..690f4995e 100644
--- a/cli/src/args.rs
+++ b/cli/src/args.rs
@@ -1,5 +1,5 @@
 #[cfg(not(feature = "clap"))]
-use eyre::Report;
+use eyre::{Report, WrapErr};
 
 #[cfg(feature = "clap")]
 use clap::{
@@ -7,9 +7,12 @@ use clap::{
     FromArgMatches, Parser, Subcommand, ValueEnum,
 };
 
-#[cfg(feature = "clap")]
-use std::collections::VecDeque;
-use std::{ffi::OsString, num::ParseIntError, path::PathBuf};
+use std::{collections::VecDeque, ffi::OsString, num::ParseIntError, path::PathBuf};
+#[cfg(not(feature = "clap"))]
+use std::{
+    io::{self, Write},
+    process,
+};
 
 #[derive(Debug)]
 #[cfg_attr(feature = "clap", derive(Parser))]
@@ -22,9 +25,125 @@ pub struct ZipCli {
     pub command: ZipCommand,
 }
 
+#[cfg(not(feature = "clap"))]
+#[derive(Debug)]
+enum SubcommandName {
+    Compress,
+    Info,
+    Extract,
+}
+
 #[cfg(not(feature = "clap"))]
 impl ZipCli {
-    pub fn parse_argv(_argv: impl IntoIterator<Item = OsString>) -> Result<Self, Report> {
+    const VERSION: &'static str = env!("CARGO_PKG_VERSION");
+    const DESCRIPTION: &'static str = env!("CARGO_PKG_DESCRIPTION");
+    /* This should really be CARGO_BIN_NAME according to clap and cargo's own docs, but that env
+     * var wasn't found for some reason, so we use the crate name since that's the same for zip-cli
+     * and zip-clite at least. https://doc.rust-lang.org/cargo/reference/environment-variables.html#environment-variables-cargo-sets-for-crates */
+    const BIN_NAME: &'static str = env!("CARGO_CRATE_NAME");
+    const ARGV_PARSE_FAILED_EXIT_CODE: i32 = 2;
+    const NON_FAILURE_EXIT_CODE: i32 = 0;
+
+    fn generate_version_text() -> String {
+        format!("{} {}\n", Self::BIN_NAME, Self::VERSION)
+    }
+
+    fn generate_full_help_text() -> String {
+        format!(
+            r"
+{}
+
+Usage: {} [OPTIONS] <COMMAND>
+
+Commands:
+  compress
+  info
+  extract
+
+Options:
+  -v, --verbose
+  -h, --help
+  -V, --version
+
+Build this binary with '--features clap' for more thorough help text.
+",
+            Self::DESCRIPTION,
+            Self::BIN_NAME
+        )
+    }
+
+    fn generate_brief_help_text(context: &str) -> String {
+        format!(
+            r"
+error: {context}
+
+Usage: {} [OPTIONS] <COMMAND>
+
+For more information, try '--help'.
+",
+            Self::BIN_NAME
+        )
+    }
+
+    fn parse_up_to_subcommand_name(argv: &mut VecDeque<OsString>) -> (bool, SubcommandName) {
+        let mut verbose: bool = false;
+        let mut subcommand_name: Option<SubcommandName> = None;
+        while subcommand_name.is_none() {
+            match argv.pop_front() {
+                None => {
+                    let help_text = Self::generate_full_help_text();
+                    io::stderr()
+                        .write_all(help_text.as_bytes())
+                        .wrap_err("Failed to write zero-arg help text to stderr")
+                        .unwrap();
+                    process::exit(Self::ARGV_PARSE_FAILED_EXIT_CODE);
+                }
+                Some(arg) => match arg.as_encoded_bytes() {
+                    b"-v" | b"--verbose" => verbose = true,
+                    b"-V" | b"--version" => {
+                        let version_text = Self::generate_version_text();
+                        io::stdout()
+                            .write_all(version_text.as_bytes())
+                            .wrap_err("Failed to write version to stdout")
+                            .unwrap();
+                        process::exit(Self::NON_FAILURE_EXIT_CODE)
+                    }
+                    b"-h" | b"--help" => {
+                        let help_text = Self::generate_full_help_text();
+                        io::stdout()
+                            .write_all(help_text.as_bytes())
+                            .wrap_err("Failed to write -h/--help help text to stdout")
+                            .unwrap();
+                        process::exit(Self::NON_FAILURE_EXIT_CODE);
+                    }
+                    b"compress" => subcommand_name = Some(SubcommandName::Compress),
+                    b"info" => subcommand_name = Some(SubcommandName::Info),
+                    b"extract" => subcommand_name = Some(SubcommandName::Extract),
+                    arg_bytes => {
+                        let context = if arg_bytes.starts_with(b"-") {
+                            format!("unrecognized flag {arg:?}")
+                        } else {
+                            format!("unrecognized subcommand name {arg:?}")
+                        };
+                        let help_text = Self::generate_brief_help_text(&context);
+                        io::stderr()
+                            .write_all(help_text.as_bytes())
+                            .wrap_err("Failed to write unrecognized arg text to stderr")
+                            .unwrap();
+                        process::exit(Self::ARGV_PARSE_FAILED_EXIT_CODE)
+                    }
+                },
+            }
+        }
+        (verbose, subcommand_name.unwrap())
+    }
+
+    pub fn parse_argv(argv: impl IntoIterator<Item = OsString>) -> Result<Self, Report> {
+        let mut argv: VecDeque<OsString> = argv.into_iter().collect();
+        let _exe_name = argv.pop_front().unwrap();
+        let (verbose, subcommand_name) = Self::parse_up_to_subcommand_name(&mut argv);
+        dbg!(verbose);
+        dbg!(subcommand_name);
         todo!()
     }
 }