diff --git a/pkg/sql/sem/eval/BUILD.bazel b/pkg/sql/sem/eval/BUILD.bazel
index 02e5413c29de..3cf73294c9a4 100644
--- a/pkg/sql/sem/eval/BUILD.bazel
+++ b/pkg/sql/sem/eval/BUILD.bazel
@@ -101,6 +101,7 @@ go_test(
         "eval_internal_test.go",
         "eval_test.go",
         "like_test.go",
+        "match_test.go",
         "parse_doid_test.go",
         "timeconv_test.go",
         "window_funcs_test.go",
diff --git a/pkg/sql/sem/eval/match.go b/pkg/sql/sem/eval/match.go
index 97827cd759d0..21f7c296c905 100644
--- a/pkg/sql/sem/eval/match.go
+++ b/pkg/sql/sem/eval/match.go
@@ -176,6 +176,18 @@ func optimizedLikeFunc(
 				}
 				return len(s) == len(string(firstChar)), nil
 			}, nil
+		default:
+			// Patterns without a wildcard boil down to a direct string comparison
+			// (after checking for escapes).
+			if rune(pattern[0]) == escape {
+				return nil, pgerror.Newf(pgcode.InvalidEscapeSequence, `LIKE pattern must not end with escape character`)
+			}
+			return func(s string) (bool, error) {
+				if caseInsensitive {
+					s, pattern = strings.ToUpper(s), strings.ToUpper(pattern)
+				}
+				return s == pattern, nil
+			}, nil
 		}
 	default:
 		if !strings.ContainsAny(pattern[1:len(pattern)-1], "_%") {
@@ -252,7 +264,11 @@ func optimizedLikeFunc(
 					return strings.HasSuffix(s, suffix), nil
 				}, nil
 
-			case singleAnyStart || singleAnyEnd:
+			default:
+				// This default case handles (singleAnyStart || singleAnyEnd) as well as
+				// the case with no wildcards at all (!singleAnyStart && !singleAnyEnd)
+				// which becomes a direct string comparison after accounting for
+				// escaping and case-sensitivity.
 				return func(s string) (bool, error) {
 					if len(s) < 1 {
 						return false, nil
diff --git a/pkg/sql/sem/eval/match_test.go b/pkg/sql/sem/eval/match_test.go
new file mode 100644
index 000000000000..64708f943ead
--- /dev/null
+++ b/pkg/sql/sem/eval/match_test.go
@@ -0,0 +1,240 @@
+// Copyright 2022 The Cockroach Authors.
+//
+// Use of this software is governed by the Business Source License
+// included in the file licenses/BSL.txt.
+//
+// As of the Change Date specified in that file, in accordance with
+// the Business Source License, use of this software will be governed
+// by the Apache License, Version 2.0, included in the file
+// licenses/APL.txt.
+
+package eval
+
+import (
+	"fmt"
+	"testing"
+)
+
+// TestOptimizedLike checks that for certain patterns we are using optimized
+// evaluation of LIKE and ILIKE rather than regex-powered evaluation.
+func TestOptimizedLike(t *testing.T) {
+	// All of these patterns should use optimizedLikeFunc rather than
+	// CovertLikeToRegexp.
+	testCases := []struct {
+		str             string
+		pattern         string
+		escape          rune
+		caseInsensitive bool
+		expected        bool
+		errorExpected   bool
+	}{
+		/* The following test cases were generated using:
+
+		   WITH c(c) AS (VALUES ('a'), ('%'), ('_'), ('\\'))
+		   SELECT e'\t\t{"' || str || '", "' || pat || e'", \'' || esc || e'\', ' || ins || ', true, false},'
+		   FROM (
+		   	SELECT 'a' str, c1.c pat, c2.c esc, 'false' ins FROM c c1, c c2
+		   	UNION ALL
+		   	SELECT 'A', c1.c, c2.c, 'true' FROM c c1, c c2
+		   	UNION ALL
+		   	SELECT 'aa', c1.c || c2.c pat, c3.c esc, 'false' FROM c c1, c c2, c c3
+		   	UNION ALL
+		   	SELECT 'aaa', c1.c || 'a' || c2.c pat, c3.c esc, 'false' FROM c c1, c c2, c c3
+		   ) x
+		   ORDER BY str, pat, esc;
+		*/
+		{"A", "%", '%', true, false, true},
+		{"A", "%", '\\', true, true, false},
+		{"A", "%", '_', true, true, false},
+		{"A", "%", 'a', true, true, false},
+		{"A", "\\", '%', true, false, false},
+		{"A", "\\", '\\', true, false, true},
+		{"A", "\\", '_', true, false, false},
+		{"A", "\\", 'a', true, false, false},
+		{"A", "_", '%', true, true, false},
+		{"A", "_", '\\', true, true, false},
+		{"A", "_", '_', true, false, true},
+		{"A", "_", 'a', true, true, false},
+		{"A", "a", '%', true, true, false},
+		{"A", "a", '\\', true, true, false},
+		{"A", "a", '_', true, true, false},
+		{"A", "a", 'a', true, false, true},
+		{"a", "%", '%', false, false, true},
+		{"a", "%", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"a", "%", '_', false, true, false},
+		{"a", "%", 'a', false, true, false},
+		{"a", "\\", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"a", "\\", '\\', false, false, true},
+		{"a", "\\", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"a", "\\", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"a", "_", '%', false, true, false},
+		{"a", "_", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"a", "_", '_', false, false, true},
+		{"a", "_", 'a', false, true, false},
+		{"a", "a", '%', false, true, false},
+		{"a", "a", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"a", "a", '_', false, true, false},
+		{"a", "a", 'a', false, false, true},
+		{"aa", "%%", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "%%", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "%%", '_', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "%%", 'a', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "%\\", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "%\\", '\\', false, false, true},
+		{"aa", "%\\", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "%\\", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "%_", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "%_", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "%_", '_', false, false, true},
+		{"aa", "%_", 'a', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "%a", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "%a", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "%a", '_', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "%a", 'a', false, false, true},
+		{"aa", "\\%", '%', false, false, true},
+		{"aa", "\\%", '\\', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "\\%", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "\\%", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "\\\\", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "\\\\", '\\', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "\\\\", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "\\\\", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "\\_", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "\\_", '\\', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "\\_", '_', false, false, true},
+		{"aa", "\\_", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "\\a", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "\\a", '\\', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "\\a", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "\\a", 'a', false, false, true},
+		{"aa", "_%", '%', false, false, true},
+		{"aa", "_%", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "_%", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "_%", 'a', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "_\\", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "_\\", '\\', false, false, true},
+		{"aa", "_\\", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "_\\", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "__", '%', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "__", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "__", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "__", 'a', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "_a", '%', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "_a", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "_a", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "_a", 'a', false, false, true},
+		{"aa", "a%", '%', false, false, true},
+		{"aa", "a%", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "a%", '_', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "a%", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "a\\", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "a\\", '\\', false, false, true},
+		{"aa", "a\\", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "a\\", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "a_", '%', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "a_", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "a_", '_', false, false, true},
+		{"aa", "a_", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aa", "aa", '%', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "aa", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "aa", '_', false, true, false},
+		{"aa", "aa", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "%a%", '%', false, false, true},
+		{"aaa", "%a%", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "%a%", '_', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "%a%", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "%a\\", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "%a\\", '\\', false, false, true},
+		{"aaa", "%a\\", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "%a\\", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "%a_", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "%a_", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "%a_", '_', false, false, true},
+		{"aaa", "%a_", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "%aa", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "%aa", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "%aa", '_', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "%aa", 'a', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "\\a%", '%', false, false, true},
+		{"aaa", "\\a%", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "\\a%", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "\\a%", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "\\a\\", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "\\a\\", '\\', false, false, true},
+		{"aaa", "\\a\\", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "\\a\\", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "\\a_", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "\\a_", '\\', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "\\a_", '_', false, false, true},
+		{"aaa", "\\a_", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "\\aa", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "\\aa", '\\', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "\\aa", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "\\aa", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "_a%", '%', false, false, true},
+		{"aaa", "_a%", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "_a%", '_', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "_a%", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "_a\\", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "_a\\", '\\', false, false, true},
+		{"aaa", "_a\\", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "_a\\", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "_a_", '%', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "_a_", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "_a_", '_', false, false, true},
+		{"aaa", "_a_", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "_aa", '%', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "_aa", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "_aa", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "_aa", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "aa%", '%', false, false, true},
+		{"aaa", "aa%", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "aa%", '_', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "aa%", 'a', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "aa\\", '%', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "aa\\", '\\', false, false, true},
+		{"aaa", "aa\\", '_', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "aa\\", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "aa_", '%', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "aa_", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "aa_", '_', false, false, true},
+		{"aaa", "aa_", 'a', false, false, false},
+		{"aaa", "aaa", '%', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "aaa", '\\', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "aaa", '_', false, true, false},
+		{"aaa", "aaa", 'a', false, false, true},
+	}
+
+	for i, tc := range testCases {
+		op := "LIKE"
+		if tc.caseInsensitive {
+			op = "ILIKE"
+		}
+		name := fmt.Sprintf("%d-%s-%s-%s-ESCAPE-%s", i, tc.str, op, tc.pattern, string(tc.escape))
+		t.Run(name, func(t *testing.T) {
+			like, err := optimizedLikeFunc(tc.pattern, tc.caseInsensitive, tc.escape)
+			if err != nil {
+				if !tc.errorExpected {
+					t.Errorf("unexpected error: %v", err)
+				}
+				return
+			}
+			if tc.errorExpected {
+				t.Errorf("expected error")
+				return
+			}
+			if like == nil {
+				t.Errorf("did not use optimized like evaluation")
+				return
+			}
+			matches, err := like(tc.str)
+			if err != nil {
+				t.Error(err)
+				return
+			}
+			if matches != tc.expected {
+				t.Errorf("matches (%v) != tc.expected (%v)", matches, tc.expected)
+			}
+		})
+	}
+}