lasso

Oh, come on, I would not bet on that, unless you want to win a buttload of money.
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You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It’s a goldfish. You know why? Got a ten-second memory. Be a goldfish, Sam.
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Jamie Tartt: Coach, I’m me. Why would I want to be anything else?
Ted Lasso: I’m not sure you realize how psychologically healthy that actually is.
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Hey, takin’ on a challenge is a lot like ridin’ a horse. If you’re comfortable while you’re doin’ it, you’re probably doin’ it wrong.
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This woman right here is strong, confident, and powerful. Boss, I tell ya, I’d hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn’t be able to take my eyes off it, either.
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Coach Beard: Why you windin’ him up?
Ted Lasso: Because he’s the one, coach. If we’re gonna make an impact here, the first domino needs to fall right inside of that man’s heart.
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Congrats, you both just met a cool person!
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For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It’s about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field.
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I like the idea of someone becoming rich because of what they gave to the world, not just because of who their family is.
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Little girls are mysterious. And silly and powerful. I gave up trying to figure them out years ago.
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I want you to know, I value each of your opinions, even when you’re wrong. 
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Our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson – on a high!
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I believe in hope. I believe in BELIEVE.
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Ties and no playoffs? Why do you even do this?
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In my mind, you gotta have three things to be a Premier League team. One, you gotta play physical, two, you gotta give 100 percent until the final whistle, and three, you gotta be sponsored by a Middle-Eastern airline.
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Now listen. You two knuckleheads have split our locker room in half and when it comes to locker rooms, I like them just like my mother's bathing suits, I only wanna see 'em in one piece.
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Will you explain to me how that was offside? No! I’m asking you. Seriously! Explain offside to me. It makes no sense.
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I think I literally have a better understanding of who killed Kennedy than what is offside. It was the mob.
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If God would have wanted games to end in a tie, she wouldn’t have invented numbers.
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Early drinkin’ means quick drunken.
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How many countries are in this country?
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That right there, that’s a scone. Tastes like a muffin except it sucks all the spit out of your mouth.
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Rebecca Welton: Oh, do you believe in ghosts, Ted?
Ted Lasso: I do. But more importantly, I believe they need to believe in themselves.
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I’m not exactly sure what y’all’s smallest unit of measurement is over here, but that’s about how much headway I made.
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We’re gonna try it on and see if it fits. It might not. Then again, it might be a very flattering silhouette. I might wear it right out of the store. Makes me feel good, start to strut. Oooh, I like this. I like the way this makes me feel.
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Roy, I learned two pretty big lessons on the rough and tumble playgrounds of Bookridge Elementary School. One, if little Ronnie Fouch offers you a candy bar, you immediately say no and get the hell out of there cause there’s a good chance that little son of a gun has pooped inside of a Butterfinger wrapper. No one ever saw him do it, but a couple people ate it. Number two, teacher tells a bully not to pick on someone, it’s just gonna make it worse.
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Rebecca Welton: So, I spoke to the owner of The Sun.
Ted Lasso: You spoke to God?!
Rebecca Welton: No, the newspaper.
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I feel like I just fell out of the lucky tree, hit every branch on the way down, and ended up in a pool of cash and sour patch kids.
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I’m looking forward to the definition of relegation.
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Yeah, I’d love to see Abbey Road.
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If we see each other in our dreams, let’s goof around a little bit, pretend like we don’t know each other.
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You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet… I don’t want to hear it!
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I think if you care about someone and you got a little love in your heart, there ain’t nothin you can’t get through together.
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I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad. And that is being alone and being sad. Ain’t no one in this room alone.
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Don’t let the wisdom of age be wasted on you.
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Smells like potential.
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That’s the funny thing about coincidences, ain’t it? Sometimes they just happen.
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I have a real tricky time hearing folks that don’t believe in themselves.
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If you would have told me that I’d be drinking tea at three o’clock everyday … about a year ago … I would have punched you in the mouth.
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Rebecca Welton: How do you take your tea?
Ted Lasso: Well, normally right back to the counter because there’s been a terrible mistake.
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You know, I always thought that tea was going to taste like hot brown water, and you know what? I was right. It’s horrible.
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Tea and I are still on a lifelong hiatus.
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Ain't nobody here going to kiss their sister. Which is an American phrase that I'm now realizing does not exist here, and that's good, because it's creepy.
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Rebecca Welton: You can't keep a gaffer from his pitch.
Ted Lasso: I am 0 for 2 in that sentence.
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OK, well, mark this down as the first time we disagree, then. Actually, no, second time. Tea is horrible. Absolute garbage water. Don't know why you all do that.
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Be honest with me. It's a prank, right? The tea? Like when us tourist folks aren't around, y'all know it tastes like garbage?
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Yeah, until we get another Nate here, I just need you to assume you're my default Nate.
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What I can tell you, is with the exception of the wit and wisdom of Calvin and Hobbes, not much lasts forever.
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For the love of Meghan Markle, do not blow that whistle again.
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It's just a group of people who care, Roy. Not unlike folks at a hip-hop concert whose hands are not in the air.
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Seen the Milk sisters anywhere? Want me to go and skim the back room?
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Where are we at with cloning these days, by the way? Them Scottish folks have been quiet on that front for a while, which means we gotta be close, right?
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Do you know how hard it is to get grown men to learn choreography?
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Rebecca: Now we're in a bit of a limbo situation.
Ted: Great party game, horrible relationship status.
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Beard is like the mailman. He always delivers and looks great in shorts.
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Ted: How is that not offside?
Beard: Because he was only passively offside.
Ted: I don't get this frigging rule, still.
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Keeley: I did also need some space.
Ted: Space from what?
Keeley: Roy. He's sitting in my office reading Da Vinci Code. He keeps muttering on about the Knights Templar.
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Boy, I love meeting people's moms. It's like reading an instruction manual as to why they're nuts.
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Fairy tales do not start nor do they end at the dark forest. That's only something that shows up smack dab in the middle of the story, but it will all work out. It may not work out how you think it will or how you hope it does. But believe me, it will all work out, exactly as it's supposed to. Our job is to have zero expectations and just let go.
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Ted: Hey, look, Roy, if you enjoy doing the whole pundit thing then by all means you should do it for the rest of your life.
Roy: Why won't you let me be happy?
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Hey, doing the right thing is never the wrong thing.
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It's funny to think about the things in your life that can make you cry just knowing that they existed, can then become the same thing that make you cry knowing that they're now gone. I think those things come into our lives to help us get from one place to a better one. And I hope we helped Earl do just that.