jokes.txt

Why did the chicken cross the road?......To get to McDonalds
What did the chicken say to the tomato after crossing the road?.....Come on, ketchup!
I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."
Why was Cinderella dropped from the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball.
I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off. Too much sax and violins.
How does a computer get drunk? It takes screen shots.
Dogs can't see your bones. But CAT scan.
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beans talk.
Why are art collectors such big fans of gasoline? Because it makes their Van Gogh.
Peter Pan is a terrible boxer. Whenever he throws a punch, it Neverlands.
What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.
My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him.
If you commit a first degree murder in Canada, is it a 34 degree murder in the US?
What do you call a noodle that doesn't drink? Soba.
A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.
I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. She said I won't be able to make it.
You do realize that vampires aren't real. Unless you Count Dracula.
What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.
My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.
If prisoners could take their own mugshots… they'd be called cellfies.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.
I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, "You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking." "Now settle down," the doctor calmly told him. "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient."
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
I wasn't that hungry, so I just ate a kid's meal at McDonalds. His mother was furious.
What do you call a dead magician? An abra-cadaver.
What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly? Stationary.
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.
What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed? He goes under cover.
I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she's standing.
A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head. Because it's cap-sized.
My girlfriend says if we don't get married soon, she's gonna kill me. It's a matter of wife or death.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
Did you hear about the perfume that smells of nothing? I think it's total non-scents.
Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.
The inventor of the throat lozenge died last month. There was no coffin at his funeral.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
Never trust atoms; they make up everything.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.
A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’
I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.
Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.
The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. It’s that no one runs in your family.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
‘Doctor, there’s a patient on line one that says he’s invisible.’ ‘Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.’
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.
If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.
People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.
What’s a frog’s favorite type of shoes? Open toad sandals.
Blunt pencils are really pointless.
6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure.
Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name.
My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
The world champion tongue twister got arrested. I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though.
Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’
If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.
How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.
How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?
I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?
I was addicted to the hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.
I don't trust stairs. They are always up to something.
Today, my son asked, "Can I have a bookmark?" I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
When I was a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.
Why don't pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.
A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.
We all know about Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.
When does a joke become a "dad joke"? When it becomes apparent.
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills. Those were Goodyears.
What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.
I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over people's heads.
The bank keeps calling me to give me compliments. They say I have an "outstanding balance."
What is the most popular fish in the ocean? A starfish.
Barbers...you have to take your hat off to them.
What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.
Did you hear about the surgeon who enjoyed performing quick surgeries on insects? He did one on the fly.
What's a vampire's favorite ship? A blood vessel.
There's only one thing I can't deal with, and that's a deck of cards glued together.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There's Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis... Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
What's the least-spoken language in the world? Sign language.
What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.
I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find were 6,000 matches.
I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.
What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.
Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
A friend of mine didn't pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
What sound does a witch's car make? Broom broom!
I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.
What's the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.
How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watchdogs.
What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.
Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.
What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.
Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades.
What is the Easter bunny's favorite type of music? Hip-hop.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He's an extremely aggressive janitor.
I'm an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It's my special tea.
My son's fourth birthday was today. When he came to see me, I didn't recognize him at first. I had never seen him be four.
I recently went to the "World's Tiniest Wind Turbine" exhibit. Honestly, not a big fan.
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, "Man wanted for robbery." So I went in and applied for the job.
How long should socks be? Twelve inches, so you can fit in one foot.
Did you hear the joke about experiencing déjà vu? Did you hear the joke about experiencing déjà vu?
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
I'm reading a novel where the main character has strained the muscles around his spine. That's his back story.
My doctor told me I've really grown as a person. Well, her exact words were that I "gained excess weight."
What do you call someone who always states the obvious? Someone who always states the obvious.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bedsheet. More on this story as it unfolds.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? A hug and a quiche.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach…"
What did one DNA say to the other DNA? "Do these genes make me look fat?"
What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.
How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.
My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don't see the point.
Teacher: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool." Johnny: "So, what are the words?"
Why should you never mention the number 288? It's two gross.
I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house, but the kids still get in.
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What do Bostonians call a fake noodle? An impasta.
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
My son has his BA and his MA, but his P­A still supports him.
What does a mobster buried in cement soon become? A hardened criminal.
What does "idk" stand for? Everyone I ask says, "I don't know."
Why was the pig covered in ink? Because it lived in a pen.
Did you hear about the guy who stole 50 cartons of hand sanitizer? They couldn't prosecute—his hands were clean.
Why was the rookie police officer assigned to hunt the cannibal? The more seasoned officers had already been eaten.
What do you call a snitching scientist? A lab rat.
What's the difference between a man wearing pajamas on a bicycle and a guy wearing a tuxedo on a unicycle? Attire.
It's a shame that the Beatles didn't make the submarine in that song green. That would've been sublime.
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escaped from the zoo? It was otter chaos.
What did the skeleton order with its beer? A mop.
Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
How much do I love crunchy tacos? From my head tomatoes.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use? Lucky Charms.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.
Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.
My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?
Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
Can February March? No, but April May.
Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That's just how eye roll.
If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…
What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell check.
I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
I began to read a horror novel in braille. Something bad is about to happen—I can feel it.
Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.
My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins.
I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today. Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
Cooking out this weekend? Don't forget the pickle. It's kind of a big dill.
Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
A steak pun is a rare medium done well.
Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. I think this could spell disaster.
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I'll try a grape.
Armed robbers—some say they're a drain on society, but you've got to give it to them.
It hurts me to say this, but I have a sore throat.
I know a surgeon who puts organs back in upside down. I told him that's not funny, but he said it was an inside joke.
My girlfriend says it's either her or my career as a news reporter. I have some breaking news for her.
Inflation is really getting out of hand, but that's just my five cents.
I can guess what people do for a living just by looking at their hands. I mean, I'm usually wrong, but I can guess.
I've been breeding racing deer. Just trying to make a quick buck.
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to screw it in most of the way and another to give it a surprise twist at the end.
My dentist offered me dentures for only a dollar. It sounded like a good deal at the time, but now I have buck teeth.
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.
What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.
Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.
A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.
What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.
How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.
Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.
What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.
How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them)
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.
My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.
Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.
Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.
I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.
"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"
My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.
I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.
Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face?
This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.
I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.
In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.
Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.
Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.
If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at."
What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.
My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.
I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time
During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.
Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend.
Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.
“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.
How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans.
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.
What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.
How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!
How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.
Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.
What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries.
I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.
Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough.
What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.
Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.
I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.
She said I won’t be able to make it.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins.
A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."
Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.
I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."
What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07.
30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.
What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you.
My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.
Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.
I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.
My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.
Why did the eggs all break? Because they cracked each other up.
“Dad, will you put my shirt on?” No, it won’t fit me.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Yes, because houses don’t jump.
How did the telephone propose? With a ring.
What kind of people man a haunted ship? A skeleton crew.
What’s a golfer’s favorite drink? A cup of tee.
I bet Benjamin Franklin was SHOCKED when he discovered electricity.
Why was it so windy in the stadium? There were a bunch of fans.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
What did the sink say to the toilet? You look flushed.
What building has the most stories? A library.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? You can see right through them.
Where do dogs hate shopping? A flea market.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What’s green with six legs and will crush you if it falls on you? A pool table.
Why can’t your hand be 12 inches? Because then it would be a foot.
What kind of room doesn’t have doors? A mushroom.
Why did the astronaut leave the party? He needed a little space.
Who has been spreading rumors? Butter.
Why do people take extra socks when golfing? They might get a hole in one.
What do you say to boiled water? You’ll be mist.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I sure do.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was the best in his field.
What instrument can you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
Why did the melons have a wedding? Because they cantaloupe.
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing because they fast.
Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air.
Why did the photograph go to prison? It was framed.
What’s the best thing about moving to Switzerland? The flag is a big plus!
What’s Thano’s favorite social media app? Snapchat.
How does a priest make holy water? He boils the hell out of it.
Why did the coffee call the cops? He got mugged.
How does a tree check its online account? It logs in.
What do you call a twitching cow? Beef jerky.
Why do doctors stay calm during an emergency? They’ve got a lot of patients.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line.
How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
What award did the knock-knock joke inventor win? The No Bell Prize.
Why do ducks have so many tail feathers? To cover up their butt quacks.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can’t tuna fish.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
Why does a geologist hate his job? He’s taken for granite.
What do you do if you’re afraid of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.
What weighs a lot forward but not backward? A ton.
Why won’t a cannibal eat a clown? It tastes funny.
How do you get over claustrophobia? By thinking outside of the box.
Why did the koala get the job? He was koalafied.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What happens to a cow during an earthquake? It becomes a milkshake.
Why can’t you tell a good joke about retired people? Because none of them work.
Why do flamingos only lift one leg? If they lifted both, they’d fall down.
Why should you give up writing with a broken pencil? It’s pointless.
What’s your favorite time of day? Six-thirty, hands down.
How do you get over a fear of elevators? You take the necessary steps to avoid them.
Can you drop an egg on concrete without cracking it? Of course! Concrete is pretty difficult to break.
What’s red and looks like half an apple? Half an apple.
How did the zombie bodybuilder hurt himself? He was dead-lifting.
What do you call a bear with no ears? B.
What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office.
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What’s blue and smells like paint? Blue paint.
What has stripes and can kill you? A prisoner in jail for murder.
What do you call a bear without teeth? A gummy bear.
Can one bird make a joke? No, but toucan.
Why did you get fired from the calendar factory? I took too many days off.
What concert only costs 45 cents? 50 cent with Nickelback opening.
Do you want to hear a joke about construction? It’s still a work in progress.
When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
Why do you want an octopus on your side of the battle? It’s well-armed.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is heavy, and the other is lighter.
Why are computers so intelligent? Because they listen to their motherboards.
What is a snowman tantrum called? A meltdown.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
Why did a Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side.
Why can’t the computer buy new things? Because it spent all of its cache.
Why is organic chemistry the meanest science? It’s constantly pushing electrons around.
Why is 2019 upset with 2021? Because they got into an argument and 2021.
What kind of jokes do you tell during quarantine? Inside jokes.
Why did the Invisible Man decline the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
What’s another name for a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
Why should you always knock before opening the fridge? You never know when a salad will be dressing.
Why did you turn off the orchestra performance? There was too much sax and violins.
Do you want to hear a potassium joke? K.
What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-tain.
Where do you keep all these dad jokes? In my dad-a-base.
Do you want to hear a joke about trickle-down economics? The majority of you won’t get it.
That fish wearing a bowtie is so sofishticated.
Did you see my new chocolate lawn mower? It’s pretty sweet.
I don’t trust those trees. They look awfully shady.
Why are you so afraid, calendar? My days are numbered.
What kind of music do balloons hate? Pop music.
What can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the toilet? Because the “p” is silent.
How does Darth Vader like his chicken? On the dark side.
What did the ocean say to the surfer? Nothing. It only waved.
What do you lawyers like to drink? Subpoena Coladas.
How do you track down Will Smith? Follow the Fresh Prince.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Why was the burglar overly sensitive? He took things personally.
Why does a graveyard have a gate? Because people are dying to get inside.
Why is a haunted house party so cheap? The ghosts bring all the boos.
Which cereal pays the bills? Chex.
Why did the cost of free air at gas stations go up? Inflation.
When can you tell a joke has become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
Is hot or cold faster? Probably hot because you can catch a cold.
Did the photon need to check a bag? Nope, he was traveling light.
Mom, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? No sun.
Why did the God of Thunder stretch a lot when he was little? He was a little Thor.
Why does that vampire sound sick? Because he keeps coffin.
Why did the burglar rob the bakery? He needed some dough.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
How do you help a frog when his car dies? You give him a jump.
What does a ghost serve for dessert? I scream.
Where does the Easter Bunny eat breakfast? At IHOP.
Who is the queen of school supplies? The ruler.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield? There are too many ears.
What day does a chicken hate? Fry-day.
Why doesn’t an oyster share its pearls? Because it’s shellfish.
Who runs Old MacDonald’s Farm? The CIEIO.
What does a vegetarian zombie eat? Graaiiinns.
What is the most ground-breaking invention? A shovel.
What do you call an aardvark that is three feet long? A yardvark.
What flies and has four wheels? A trash truck.
Why are penguins socially awkward? They don’t know how to break the ice.
What kind of dinosaur has a large vocabulary? A thesaurus.
What do you call a funny mountain? Hill areas.
Where does a pirate get its hook? From a second-hand store.
Do you want to hear a joke about paper? It’s tearable.
How do you make tissue paper dance? Put a little boogie in it.
Why shouldn’t you eat a clock? It’s too time-consuming.
What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and only finding half a worm.
Why does everyone love volcanoes? Because they’re just so lava-ble.
Why should you never make fun of a paleontologist? Because you’ll get Jurass-kicked.
Where does a baby cat learn to swim? The kitty pool.
How do spiders know so much? They learn everything on the web.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
What do you call someone who won’t fart in public? A private tutor.
It’s ok if you forget your boomerang. It’ll come back to you.
Don’t spell part backward. It’s a trap.
I wondered why the ball kept getting bigger, and then it hit me.
My girlfriend seemed surprised when I told her she drew her eyebrows too high.
I decided to sell my vacuum because it was gathering dust. 
I used to work in a shoe shop. It was sole destroying. 
When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
I used to think I was indecisive, and now I’m not sure.
I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.
I wanted to share a vegetable joke, but it was too corny.
Someone said my dog was chasing them on bikes. My dogs don’t even own bikes!
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity, and it’s impossible to put down.
I bought new shoes from a drug dealer, and I was trippin’ all day.
Did you know whiteboards are remarkable?
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a shop? That can’t be a coincidence.
Did you know you can hear your blood flowing in your veins? You just need to listen varicosely.
I put my shoes on the wrong feet. I don’t know whose feet I ended up with.
I can totally see myself working in a mirror factory.
An old lady asked me to check her balance at the bank today, so I pushed her over.
I’ve noticed I’m only sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
My date didn’t show up at the gym. I guess we aren’t going to work out.
These new corduroy pillowcases are making headlines.
I used to hate my facial hair, but it eventually grew on me.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? Because it was two-tired.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because it felt crumbly.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
Why did the pyromaniac go to therapy? To get some flame-retardant counseling.
Why did the serial killer join a dating app? To find his perfect match.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the ax-murderer.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? Dam.